PANDEMICS WITH BENEFITS -  The 10 Real Winners of COVID-19


1. Unprecedented 

Before Coronavirus, Unprecedented had been enjoying a modest existence as an adjective, spending its time eking out a living over-describing some small-time scandals and disasters. But then COVID came to town and ‘Unprecedented’ hit the big time. Journalists, politicians and celebrities were clamouring for a piece of it in any official comms they were scribbling on the back of beermats (remember them!) and the humble word became an overnight sensation. Given that both the Spanish Flu of 1918, and the predictions of Bill Gates in 2015 pointed out that Coronavirus was in fact, very much Precedented, Unprecedented suffered a massive fall from grace and spiralled into the addiction issues typical of its quick ascent to fame and infamy. It was lucky enough to get a good agent who negotiated some smart fees allowing Unprecedented to retire from the limelight. It was last spotted in St Lucia with ‘Literally’, with which it inevitably bonded over the shared experience of widespread over-and-misuse. 

2. Phone Calls 

Up to now, a communication on the wane, phone calls have been enjoying a resurgence since CV19 led to the means of ending them being eradicated overnight. Without the ability to concoct bullshit appointments to exit phone calls, several people have reportedly been hospitalised with repetitive strain after they were unable to disengage from conversations for days. The resulting increase in the lost art of calling has resulted in a return of phone bills to pre-90s levels, nature is healing. 

3. 2016  

Having previously come under the hammer for being the shittest year since people started making memes, 2016 is now basking in an official pardon. The mild-mannered year which sought none of the glitz of being a showy decade topper, found itself in the crosshairs for having the misfortune of being the year during which every celebrity you can think of chose to shuffle off this mortal coil. 2016 suffered a litany of public vitriol with people sending death threats and shouting slurs like Star Slayer in the street. 2016 spent the last few years under heavy sedation over stress caused by the allegations. Thankfully now, 2020 has emerged as an Annus Supervillanous and seems to be embracing its nefarious role, exonerating the earlier year. 2016 is said to be overjoyed at the vindication and asks for its privacy to be respected in this time.

4. Instagram Live

Ping.. In the time it took you.. Ping.. to read the...PingPingPing..intro to this article, several hundred people PINGPINGPINGPINGPING have started Instagram lives in an effort to give us something to watch while we lose our mi- PINNPINGPINGPING…
*puts phone on silent*
*still gets banner dropdowns*
*deletes instagram*
*throws phone in river*
Things are getting out of hand lads.

5. Human Intelligence  

IQ levels around the globe are rocketing as the participation in quizzes filters through to our brains. Evidence is showing that players who make it to the end of a zoom quiz without drooling Sauv Blanc, are benefitting from exponential increase of brain matter holding completely impractical knowledge. Educational institutions around the world are said to be in crisis after their futures have been gravely threatened by widespread withdrawal of applications. Because really, once you’re packing factual gems such as Coprastastaphobia is the fear of Constipation and the fact you can't legally buy a mousetrap in California without a hunting license, let’s face it you’re at peak learning. 

6. Flour

Having come from a place of villainy as the originator of many much-maligned carbohydrates, flour has come out of nowhere to be one of the stars of the lockdown. Its manifestation is limited to two breeds of baker, ones who want to make banana cakes pretending to be bread, and ones who want to breed bread. Flour seems happy enough to make hay as the lockdown population gorge on the seemingly endless supply of banana bread and sourdough that they’re producing. It may as well enjoy its moment though, as the post corona bloat will no doubt see it relegated to the banned substances list within days of our release back to society.

7. Chinese Data Miners

The boys in Beijing are rubbing their hands together with glee, at the tidal wave of western data that’s flooding into their privacy-flouting piggybanks since COVID 19 kicked off and all ancient people (anyone over 18 really) downloaded TikTok. None of this older cohort really give a shit about the data miners as they stopped caring about privacy when they opened their first email accounts with super cool handles (splyffmaster69@hotmail.com we’re looking at you). Anyway, we’re too busy getting our parents to participate in dance challenges to care about data mining. Sure let them at it. We’re so off our tits on 5G, none of us will remember a thing about this anyway. 

8. Breasts

Having staged a bloodless coup to escape their fabric prisons, the boobs of society are rejoicing in their newfound freedom as the oppressive bra regime was deposed. Breast owners are aghast at the complete breakdown of the relationship between boob and brain and are fearful of mammary anarchy if the bras are re-introduced post-lockdown. Boobs themselves only responded to requests for comment with a defiant jiggle.  

9. Jeans and/or Pyjamas

Getting the nod here for having announced a much longed for early retirement since the onset of the virus, the denim wardrobe legends, Jeans, were said to have seen what was coming down the line with inevitable waistband expansion and sidestepped their duty deliberately, in what many have deemed an unsporstman-like move that has thrown Pyjamas right into the line of fire of pretty much constant and unconventional use. It’s said that thousands of jeans will not reclose after society reopens. Pyjamas have been hailed as frontline workers and are being liberally fed/smeared with food while on duty.

10. Real Beauty

The absence of groomers, trimmers, peelers, fillers, botoxificationists and microdermabrasionists means that our glossy exteriors cannot be maintained. We are becoming decidedly more rustic as our real “beauty” pushes itself back to the fore. Let’s not try and pin this all on the older millennials, because maintaining our physical selves to the desire we please isn’t vanity in this day and age, it’s just good housekeeping, or facial tidy towns. That said, we need to be careful because, if the architecture of our faces becomes any more neglected, we’ll be chasing away herds of deer who’ve mistaken us for an abandoned city. Concerns that traditional skin clinics won’t cut it in the wake of the lockdown have led to discrete enquires being made to upmarket sofa retailers by people looking for a post COVID full-facial reupholstering.