Instead of hitting up that sweet communion bread on a Sunday, you’re more about brioche and eggs. Brunch is the place to go when you want to snoop on your neighbours (table neighbours) and what they are getting up to. Live vicariously through others as you judge their brunch choices or regret your own. Fancy hats are not a necessity, but are welcome.
Technically this is already a religious thing. But you’re probably not going as part of a religion. You go because it makes you feel relaxed, and sexy and grateful. And frankly, you look great in those pants.
Your mate starts talking about this AHMAZING show that seems like someone has distilled your life into eight 20 minute blocks and you find yourself praying that it is on Netflix. If it isn’t you lose interest and judge your mate for watching something that isn’t convenient for you. Honestly, at this stage, it’s just rude.
4. Football, sport, and the pub
Yeah you like sport, who doesn’t? And maybe you’re not as fanatic as those who worship Diego Maradona, but you’ll easily make it to the pub for every single match. You probably have your own fantasy football team that breaks your heart when a player does bad. Sport tastes better with pints. This is the gospel according to YOUTH.
Some people might say it is an addiction, and you don’t need those people in your life. You find yourself taking a peek during work hours, or spending all day Sunday in an hungover state trawling through pages and pages and adding more things to your wish list, in hopes that one day you will be able to afford them.
6. The Sun
So you may not be ready to sacrifice a goat to the sun god in hopes it will bring a mediocre winter or a mild and humid summer. But the sun knows all. The sun makes you look better. It makes you feel better. You’re lighter in the sun. People become more agreeable. People don’t annoy you in the sun, because everything is better in the sun. Yeah we have gone full circle. Sun worshipping is back.
Would you literally die without internet? If you started to cough at the thought of not having wifi or perfect 4G in your life, chances are you are already an avid worshiper of the internet. It is great. It’s got the answer to everything, like, ‘What is that guy I had a crush on in 3rd year up to now?’, ‘What is that actor, in that movie, who does that thing, called?’ It is all knowing. It is everywhere. Give thanks and praise to it.
Your body is a temple. You find yourself moving in a pack. All your friends do Crossfit and you’ll drop those who don’t. Or you are a normal person who loves intense workouts. Are you in a cult? Who knows? That’s what makes it all the more exciting.
We’ve all heard people say they can’t function without their morning coffee. And with coffee culture taking over the world, it has never been more important to choose your coffee carefully. In the world of coffee, one wrong sip can leave you looking like an uneducated fool. This religion is for the elite, those who turn their nose up at store bought coffee and would not be caught dead ‘gramming a Starbucks.
Vanity is a sin, but sure look, nobody's punishing you for it now. The process of being pampered is like an out of this world experience. You feel enlightened by the small talk in the hairdresser's, your nails are the armour that cuts away the bullshit in your daily life. And your skin is radiant. What more could you want?
Photography by Calvin Freeman